Sudder Street

I am very aware of everything here, more so than I ever have to be at home. It seems to be training my mind in a different way to constantly focus on every sense and action. I am quite aware of my hand placement, I never realized how much I touch or want to touch my face now that I cant touch my nose, my eyes, or my mouth. I am aware of the stares, although they have changed some since Ive started wearing my salwar kameez. I am keenly aware of the Indians and Bengalis staying in my hotel and it makes me think twice about staying in this hotel much longer. I realize that this country is broken because it is based on money. I heard an Indian man say, “Well, yes that may be so, but you know, this is India,” when I told him he was doing something against the law. Money speaks here. Beggars rent out babies for 25 rupees a day or keep their own children malnourished or on brown sugar (a three year old will look like he is 7 months old) so foreigners keep giving them money.

You can buy absolutely anything you want. You can buy a baby and bring it home. You can buy a gun. You can do anything you want, throw money at it and your wish will be granted. In my own hotel, there are some dodgy men, who will do anything for a foreigner if you give them a few rupees. One is a deaf and mentally ill boy who will take you to the red light district. The money he gets he uses for heroin. In fact, it is illegal to smoke in hotels, but the Pakis next to my room were smoking and the disgusting air was flowing into my room since there is about a four inch space at the top of my wall connecting to their room. When I spoke to the manager of the hotel, he seemed like he would do something about it and instead he bummed cigarettes off of them and began smoking with them. He explained that he told them to open their windows, as if that would do anything. Only when I was firm about it and said I was very sick and they will be fined 200 rupees each, did he go back again. My friend Serena, a long term volunteer, interjected that I am an asthmatic and he used that as an excuse. I would have done it myself, but I don’t really want to rap on Pakis door and let them know who the actual complainer is, although I suppose it is easily found out, since there are only 5 other choices of western women staying in this hotel. I was expecting them to smoke again, but they surprisingly refrained.

I am aware of the threats and the sim cards that were used in the Mumbai attacks were purchased not far from where I live. I notice every beggar and every twisted and disabled body here. I see naked women washing themselves, men peeing on streets, people defecating kitty corner to their street home. I notice the creativity and endurance that goes in building these shacks and living under plastic on streets. And I notice how much water I use. When I take showers, I specifically have a bucket under me that gathers the water whenever I run it. I find I only use a third of the bucket, but I think a large part of it has to do with it being cold water. If it were really hot out, I wouldn’t mind the cold, but it certainly is not.

List of Observations

I thought I’d do a short blog with a list of observations.

1. It’s smart to be pleasant to a man with a shotgun or an AK47.

2. People leave their hand permanently on their car horn because they don’t use their signals or their lights at night.

3. Not a trash can in sight; when there is one, it cannot be one that could be used as scrap metal or it will be gone in minutes. It is no wonder people throw trash everywhere.

4. I would make a good wife, apparently. I could make many Indian men happy.

5. I am 50 times richer than them because my conversion rate is fifty rupees to one dollar. That means I can pay 50 times more for everything, which is why they put down a price and usually multiply it by 50.

6. To get on a bus, you have to do a running jump. There are no elderly or disabled people on the buses.

7. Some buses are labeled: goods carriage, space boy, shredders cattle.

8. Every day when I eat, goats pass me by on the way to the slaughterhouse.

9. Crows are everywhere, even in my windows, begging and stealing.

10. Prostitution and drugs are rampant, similar to any country.

11. According to Indians, I obviously want to have sex with Indians or backpackers because I’m a traveler with blonde hair. I am annoyed with the stupid western women who have given us a bad name.

12. I pass a murderer from Amsterdam every day, who lives here permanently to avoid jail in his own country and doesn’t grasp that my one word answers mean that I wont sleep with him. (He took video of some other girl he slept with and shows it to everyone, disgusting)

13. I see signs of sexual abuse from a spunky girl who sells decorative balls and will pick your pockets if you let your guard down.

14. I am ok with the germs now, but I plan to donate my shoes because I know I am walking in a lot of stuff that I don’t even realize.

15. People wash themselves in the dirty gutters and their bathroom is generally kitty-corner.

16. The sisters do really good work and I’m surprised by their level of compassion. I only hope I can leave with that same commitment to serve for the rest of my life.

17. The dentist’s office that I visited was sanitary, except for the moment she washed something under tap water and rolled some putty and light base together on a newspaper. She multiplied the price by 50 so a root canal is 300 dollars, even though my friend is Australian and their conversion rate is half of that. The bedside manner was awful and the dentist felt it necessary to scream at my friend for crying and call her a baby when she was asked for anesthesia during a root canal.

18. I avoid going to pubs with backpackers as their lifestyle does not impress me, nor does the idea of weakening my immune system. Every time I hear a traveler say, India is so great and perfect, I wonder if they have looked around and thought about what they say.

19. I feel free from not spending/wasting so much time on the internet at home. It is incredible how tied we get to things that are so fleeting and unimportant.

20. I have changed as a traveler. I am no longer interested in having that same conversation of where I’m from, what I do and how long I’m staying. I am here for God, for myself, for my family and friends and in thanksgiving for the people in my life, for the opportunities and love my parents gave me, for my brother who surprises me constantly and my husband, my best friend and our future. I am here to sacrifice a bit of myself for their prayers and petitions. I am here to learn how to love more deeply and to understand a culture which requires me to completely step out of myself and throw away norms. I am here to find some private answers and here to give a little joy to disabled children and the dying elderly.

Kolkata Thoughts

The air off the Himalayas brings a cool breeze at night and last night I was actually so cold that I put on practically all the warm clothes I brought with me. My face and my body are filthy and I find that no matter how hard I scrub, I keep wiping dirt from every section of my body. Perhaps it is because I bathe in cold water and use bottled water for certain sections of my body. I do not trust the water here no matter what anyone says. Indians claim that they run drinking water at certain times during the day, but I would not dare drink it. Only a few days here and I already can decipher through the massive amounts of manipulations and lies and attempted manipulation.

In fact, when I came off the plane after 30+ hours of traveling without sleep, I did not even bother dealing with touts or “more money, more money” for my taxi ride. I simply got the police involved and then felt comfortable with what I had written as a price for the 35 kilometer drive into the city. Walking the streets of Kolkata is something I can’t get used to even though the traffic here is not nearly as bad as the traffic in Beijing or other parts of China. There is no order here and you can visibly see the lack of respect for life. No lanes are drawn in the roads and where there is room for three lanes, five or six are formed. Cars are insanely fast and slam on the breaks only centimeters away from accidents. Lights are practically nonexistent and people make mad dashes across the streets, missing buses by a mere second. I generally do as the Indians do, but my method does not detract from my worries, as I do not want to end up in a hospital here.

Stepping into a hospital here is like stepping into the 1940’s and adding your worst nightmare: all of the most horrifying diseases, uninterested doctors who view themselves as gods, needles a quarter inch wide, blood and feces all over mattresses, red spit all over every wall, bed pans filled with urine, feces, bananas, and biscuits that cats eat from and men and women crying in pain and begging for money. I might add that this was a “good” hospital I visited.

I have not met the nuns yet or signed up for my volunteer pass and I wont be meeting them today because Thursdays are the day off. I only got a chance to go to two hospitals (I actually described the better of the two, the second I’ll leave out for the time being) because I met one of the volunteers. I am actually in the same hotel. I was first planning on staying in a hotel that charged 5 dollars a night, but I figured I should be thrifty and so I am in a hotel for 2 dollars a night. Next door to me I have two women that have been coming long before Mother Teresa died, the type that volunteers refer to as “dinosaurs”. I sleep in a room that is half the size of my NYC closet on a wooden bed. My lock is a padlock and this was at one point a peeping tom’s room. My pillow was disgusting so my new pillow case is a t-shirt I brought with me. My shower, which is shared by all of us, only runs cold water and I’ve started using a shampoo that is preventative against lice. I am sure to get them, especially because I will likely choose to work with disabled children tomorrow. I have a window overlooking Sudder Street, the backpackers district, and I am thankful for earplugs that my friend Serena gave me. Although my original plan was to avoid eating street food and go to places like The Blue Sky Café, which has been reported to be the safe choice for food, my gut instinct has told me otherwise. For one, I did not come to India to be with backpackers and secondly I would prefer to avoid popular western hangouts in light of the recent attacks in Mumbai and the six other attacks over the past six months. Kolkata reportedly officially has 15 million people here, but other reports claim that in fact there are 30 million. It is the second most expensive city in India and only 40 kilometers from Bangladesh. If you get my points, you can understand why I do not want to be in popular places.

My plan today is to go back to the two hospitals and pick up my tailor made clothes. The clothing I brought was completely inappropriate even though I brought the most loose fitting clothes I could find. I already got several proposals and poked a few times. I plan to start the day by drinking some sizzling chai tea with ginger (it is some of the most delicious tea I’ve tasted) on a tiny stool in the middle of a street and doing as the Indians do by throwing their clay cups onto the street and crushing them below their feet. I plan on avoiding the beggars on Sudder as they are part of organized crime and realize that they receive more money by begging than they do by working. I plan on passing the meat market which has a horrendous smell, that is tolerable only because it reminds me of Africa, with unrefrigerated meats hanging, rats squatting and plenty of insects crawling all around.

I certainly feel alive and am aware of every moment. I feel God, I feel joy and confusion and I am so happy to be here in this place I will call home for the next month.

Juneau, AK

I have to admit that when we rolled into Juneau, I was a bit disappointed at first. It was raining and the trip was coming to an end. It had been absolutely perfect up to that point, so I couldn’t see how Juneau was going to add to the trip. However, I kept my head up and thought about my Alaskan friend, Cara, who had grown up in this town. I wanted to finally see through her eyes and live the beauty she had shared with me for years.

Ray and I got out our guide book and decided to do a “walking tour” through the town. We followed the suggested paths, stopped off at the places they recommended, got totally soaked and had a fantastic day in Juneau.

We started off with a trip to this tiny museum that hard all sorts of eclectic things, from Harley Davidson posters to Tlingit traditional feathers. Strangely enough, Juneau has the highest number of motorcycle owners per capita. It’s a rather bizarre idea, since it rains here constantly and there are only 91 miles of road. Roads here end and don’t connect with other cities, like in other parts of the country!

Then we walked over and saw Sarah Palin’s house, with her kids’ trampoline in the backyard. It was pretty exciting to see the Governor’s Mansion, especially because the announcement of her candidacy was made during our trip.

We walked to their cemetery to see where Joseph Juneau rests, up the Flume (an old aqueduct that was turned into a walking path through the forest). It is apparently THE place to be, as all the high school kids hang out there when they get out of school. Rain doesn’t stop Alaskans, so we figured it shouldn’t stop us!

Then we walked up to the Last Chance Mining Museum and panned for gold in the river. It is estimated that there are about 6 million ounces of gold left in the mountains. We found out that one guy is a regular gold panner, he comes every single day before and after work, looking to strike it rich! After six hours of walking around, we went back to The Hangar, a restaurant known for its Halibut Burger. We had a taste of that, some hot tea and headed to the airport to catch our red eye back to New York through Seattle. It was another wonderful and magical Alaskan day!

Glacier Day

Today, we woke up early to the sound of our engine starting and then slowing down. As it happens, we picked up some Park Rangers who were going to go explore the glacier with us. The rangers camp for 9 days, then are home for 5 and do this type of rotation for 6 months. They were smiling even though they were very cold last night and had to put their tents away in freezing rain. I think any chance for a meal not consisting of trail mix and oat meal puts a smile on their face!

Entering the Tracy Arm area leading up to the Dawes Glacier was a feat in itself. There were a lot of bergy bits to pass. Only 10% of the iceberg appears on the water and when it melts and breaks off, the bottom can shoot up at you causing damage, so the Captain was very focused this morning navigating around these bergs. The blue color in the icebergs that you see in the photo above will change to white after it’s been exposed to the air for a few days.

When we got as far as we could go with the yacht, we put on our Mustang Suits and got ready to brave the cold and rain. Fortunately, it was only drizzling a little bit and the sun was out, so we were all in very good spirits. There were so many beautiful icebergs to look at as we got through this massive sheet of ice to approach Dawes. The blue color of the ice, with the green ocean and the graphite background the mountains provided was exquisite.

I had to dip my hand in the water and grab an iceberg to taste minerals that were hundreds, perhaps thousands of years old. It was just incredible. Then we’d pass by these scared harbour seals and their newborn pups laying on the icebergs and then sliding off them to slink away from us. When we finally reached a safe distance to the glacier, we just all sat there in awe, watching ice break away from this massive glacier and then hearing the sound of it breaking about a minute later. We got a nice surprise and were given a hot drink along with the alcohol of our choice as a treat, while enjoying our surroundings. Ray and I both chose some hot chocolate with baily’s, which forced us to put our cameras down for a while :o) !

As we left the area, I was very pleased with the day and the trip that was quickly coming to an end. However, there was one thing that I still wanted to do–I wanted to be on a kayak, surrounded by whales. I knew that was one of those dreams on a checklist that can’t happen upon command, but I still thought about it and said to myself, I’ll come back some day to Alaska and make that attempt again.

However, before I even had a chance to close the book on that dream, we went back to kayak around Frederick Sound. This time, instead of a cove, we chose to be in the open ocean. The waves were a little bigger and whales were in the far distance. I kept saying to Ray, let’s go chase after that whale, and we’d get pretty far and tire out, since he was pretty far away. But, then, a whale approached us, and then another, and another! Soon, everyone in the kayaks was getting surrounded by whales near and far away, every few seconds you could see the spray from a blow hole!

At one point, a whale was about 10 feet away and did a dive right toward us. I’ve attached the video where I panic a bit and tell Ray we have to move! The whale ended up going right under us and on the other side. What a magnificent experience, a truly humbling experience to be this little dot in this big great ocean, next to an enormous animal, that could easily flip you. I felt so connected to this world and everything at that moment became so clear. If only I could have held on to the feeling I had, because at that moment I felt like God was with me. I felt as if I finally had some of those answers I’ve been searching for and that there was nothing to be worried about, I was taken care of in this world. What a beautiful moment, I hope I can just keep at least some of that memory with me for the rest of my life.

Sea Lions and Whales Galore!

This morning we left our anchorage around 6:30am in search of whales. Before breakfast, we saw some blowhole puffs in the distance, but nothing closeby. Soon after our delicious feast, as if on cue, we saw almost a dozen whales. One in particular is quite memorable, a humbpack putting on a show for us. He was flapping around his pectoral fins, while on his back. He’d jump up out of the water and lay on his back and just kept playing around!

Later in the day, we took a skiff ride out near Sail Island where we got a chance to spot some sea lions, grunting and calling at each other other. What was quite impressive was learning that they can open their nostrils to breath and close them when diving. This was discovered after we snapped the shot above. The sea lions were quite interested in us. They kept appropaching the skiff and flapping around. Their calls sound like really loud burps!

Someone else was quite interested in us as well–a humpback whale who came toward us, under us and circled around us! What an adrenaline rush to get a large mammal up close and only a few feet away in the open ocean! I cannot stop thinking about this intelligent creature coming right up to our tiny skiff and looking up at us. Whales are known for spy jumping, meaning they jump up curiously and check you out. This whale didn’t jump, but he kept close to us. I wonder what he was thinking and why he was so curious about us. (Check out the video at the bottom of this post!)

We’re headed toward Woodspit to do some kayaking and that’s where we’ll anchor for the night, before heading toward Dawes glacier tomorrow. Now, I believe its time for some hot tea and reading after this exciting day. It seems that every day is more perfect than the last. I didn’t think that was possible, but perhaps that is why Alaska is so magical.

A Swimming Surprise!!

Yesterday evening turned out to be a bit of a surprise. We jumped into the kayak after applying some natural Burt’s Bees bug repellent, which smells incredible! Not sure if it works as well as deet, but it was a relaxing smell while out in the middle of the ocean.

We kayaked around Scenic Cove off of the Baird glacier. The water was cool and I decided that it was time to take an Alaskan dip! Ray didn’t require much encouragement and we quickly changed into our swim attire. As I stepped ont o the swimboard, I became very aware of the temperature, having the glacier give the air and water an even cooler feel. However, after announcing our tomfoolery, there was no turning back!!

With the crew cheering us on and our shipmates kayaking in the distance, Ray started with a running jump high in the air, and I followed timidly after he got to the swim step. The water was certainly a shock, but after I was out of the water, I felt exhilarated and did not really feel cold. I suppose it was because the air was warmer than the water! We went toward the hot tub and Ray jumped right in, but the 102F temperature was too hot for me after just having been in 40F water. So I waited a while before going into the water. Somone shouted that our shipmates, Bob and Margaret, were headed in, so we quickly jumped out to see this happen. Margaret and I had a running joke the entire trip that she was was going in and in her sweet little sotuthern accent, she kept telling me there was no way she would be caught in that cold water. The best was when she got out of the water and told me that she was done with that water and that everyone else was invited to her home in TN and they would all get royal treatment, but I surely would not! Then she pinched my arm and shook her head and said, “you!” Others followed suit at different times, sneaking their jumps, but we caught a few in the act.

For dinner, we had bibs waiting for us along with dungeonous crab and wine. I had some cognac as an after dinner drink. Then, Ray and I jumped into the hottub hoping to spot some northern lights, but all we could see were the regular stars. I’ll take what I can get since NY has too much light pollution to see much of anything in the skies!

Petersburg, AK

Petersburg, Alaska is a quaint little fishing town. A sea lion greeted us when he arrived yesterday, so I thought I’d post his photo–he really enjoys all the ground up fish waste that comes from the hatchery and clearly the seagulls enjoy it as well! As I last posted, we had a chance to take an evening walk around the town last night. We docked for the night and had the opportunity to go on and off the boat as we pleased. The tide was so incredibly low that many of the boats were completely stranded.

Being a Norwegian settlement, the style of houses here were right out of a gnomish fairy tale, with their blue shudders, lace curtains and overflowing flower buckets. Ray and I went to the only Catholic Church in town and as we walked back, I was taking in all the colors of the houses and the beautiful murals drawn all over the town against the grey sky. It’s hard to imagine that most of the year it is only light from 11-3pm and then when there is light, is either rainy or grey, as the whole inside passage is part of the Tongas, a rainforest. My Alaskan friend, Cara, told me that when there is a sunny day in Alaska, stores shut down and people don’t go to work. In Chicago, we had snow days, here there are sun days!

As I was posting my blog in the video store, one of the two places with internet access(the library was closed on Sunday), Ray and I chatted with the owner. He explained that he owned two businesses in town and his wife just purchased the only fabric store because she put so much money into the store with her love of quilting. He said that even though they owned so many business, he still has to supplement his income by working in road construction, where you can earn $45 dollars an hour and the work is stable. He actually had worked on a boat for 3 years(making a very good amount of money) as a crab fisherman; however, it was a dangerous position and there is difficulty in being away from your family for months at a time.

After the video store, we went on a tour of a fish processing plant, where a variety of immigrants from all over the world work 14-16 hour days, 7 days a week at around 5-8$ an hour. We watched as halibut were thrown onto a table: two guys chopped the heads off, six guys made sure to clean out the inside of the fish with a scraping tool and two more men at the end sprayed the fish down with water and tossed the heavy fish into a blue plastic bucket that would be taken immediately to be refrigerated. The chopped heads were given to two women, who cut one tiny portion of fish meat out of the cheek, which is a very tender (and expensive) portion of the fish and apparently tastes like scallops. What a cold and difficult job–I suppose there isn’t a lot of choice for work in Alaska.

When you’re on a trip liek this, it’s hard not to contemplate what life is like on this end of the country and what possibilities are out here. What would it be like to own a fishing boat. Our chef has a boat and he said that in 6 weeks he made $150,000. I’m not sure if that’s net or gross or how its split up, but there are many people out there in these tiny little towns who somhow afford the $500,000 ocean front property(yes, that is how much a home in Petersburg and in Ketichkan costs).

I love traveling and learning all these interesting things about how people live. One of the crew members, Danny, has an incredible story. Since he was born, he lived on a boat. He did that until he was 14 and then lived in a house on land throughout high school. Then as soon as he could, he got back out on the water. He learned to read, write and walk on a boat. That concept just blows my mind! He seems to have a better grasp on life and morality than most people because his parents raised him and not the goverment through some poor educational system. His life lessons by traveling the world on this boat gave him a good understanding of who he is and who he wants to be. The best part of his adventures, he said, was that he got to do all of this with is family and really get to know them. He plans to do that with his children.

The more I travel, the more I think that there really is no one path that will lead you to happiness. It seems through prayer and meditation, we can feel out what we need to accomplish and how to best bring out that joy.

Well, I need to get out of my hiking boots after our hike through the Muskeg forest, a forest with peet moss on the ground. You have to be careful as you step because you’re not sure how far you can fall with the camoflauged ground! It’s almost time to kayak around some bergy bits, a term for iceberg pieces floating in the water. There are many names for glacier pieces. I’ve heard is “ice krispies,” since there are pockets of gas in the ice and as they heat up, they pop! Or even “growlers,” when the ice cleaves off, they make a growl!

St. John's Bay

This morning we woke up and ate delicious orange French toast with berry compote, sausage and fruit. We did a bit of motoring in the morning and finally got to St. John’s Bay.

Though it was pouring rain as we arrived, once we changed into our rain gear, the sun came out and we were able to do some skiffing and kayaking around to explore the different islands and watch eagles fly overhead.

Ray and I found an abandoned boat and kayaked around it a bit, until our kayak got stuck on a rock. We were able to pull out with no problems, but apparently another kayak had gone out and come back to the boat and as they were pulling in, one person fell into the cold water. There has been talk of all of us jumping into the cold water and then running up to the hot tub, but I guess Shirley, the British oncology research scientist, beat us to the punch!

Tonight, we’ll reach Petersburg, where I’ll hopefully be able to post these last few days, if we happen to find internet at the public library and a usb plug! I have a feeling these towns don’t keep things open late or very often, so I guess we’ll see.

Petersburg is a small town with 4 bars and 11 churches, quite opposite of most Alaskan towns! The town is named after its founder, Peter Buschmann, who unfortunately killed himself only after living here for 4 years. He had created a cannery on Mitkof Island near the LeConte Glacier; however, the cannery failed when he tried to go up against a monopolistic canning operation.

Today, our plan is to explore the town a bit and then do a big hike after a walk around Petersburg. We’re nearing our time in Frederick Sound, with the largest concentration of whales. We’re sure to encounter some more whales here so I’m very excited!

Black Bears, Meyer's Chuck and Canoe Pass

We awoke early this morning to do a 7am hike to Margaret Creek. This was another place where you had to have a boat or sea plane to hike here! The total hike was around 5 miles. We observed several black bears playing in the river, grabbing at salmon. One mother and her two cubs came along and attempted to eat some salmon before spotting a male bear and running away by the threat of being attacked. Ray snapped up this great shot of a black bear that was around 3 feet away from us. He seemed pretty afraid since we were towering over him on an inclined hill. I guess the trick with black bears if you encounter them on a trail is to lift up your hands, making yourself look larger and slowly stepping away, while talking to them, telling them you are human. I?m not sure that telling them you aren?t a bear is really pertinent, but that is what the guide books say to do!

We then headed back to the yacht for some delicious lunch, filled with cinnabons and eggs benedict all home made delicious goodies. Any attempt to use the adventurous travel to lose some weight is a failure with all this incredible food around us!

On our way to Meyers Chuck, the boat slowed down and the group got on deck to observe Humpback Whales bubble feeding. It’s such an interesting process. Normally humpback whales are solo travelers unless they are bubble feeding. They will travel in a group of 3 to 4 whales; one whale will circle around the others creating bubbles which has been observed to be a technique to herd herring and they’ll use their fins to create motion to help the herding process and then open their baleen to swallow the fish. Their esophagus is the size of a grapefruit, so if they accidentally swallow a bird or some larger fish, they are forced to spit it out immediately. The baleen allows them to filter out exactly what they want and then they’ll jump up, swallow and land on their side. It’s such a beautifully synchronized action and they are completely coordinated each time they do this the entire summer. They won?t eat all winter and have to make it down to their breeding ground in Hawaii, so they need to eat a lot from June to September to make it through the winter.

We then pulled up our boat to Meyers Chuck, a town with a population of 19 people. Yes, I didn’t mistype that, it is 19! This is the only town left in the entire United States that hand cancels their mail, so we got a chance to hand cancel it ourselves! They also send out mail and receive mail once a week, so you have to think ahead for grocery shopping! It is a beautiful little town and to get from one side to the other, people will take the chuck across if there is low tide. If the tide is high, they have to take the boat across to the other side.

We are now headed to Canoe Pass, where we will set down our kayaks and kayak a few miles and be able to meet our boat ahead tonight. The weather has been perfect, which is odd for an Alaskan rainforest, but I don’t mind anomalies like this one!

Well I’m off to eat some barbeque ribs, blackeye and corn on the cob! Our chef makes bread every day, so I’m curious what he’ll make tonight. I can already smell something really good!

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